Ditch the 'Why' and Embrace the 'How': A New Path to Emotional Wellness
Have you ever reacted to something and had no idea why?
Maybe someone said something seemingly harmless to you and you had an immediate, possibly strong, reaction?
Yeah, that happens to all of us.
We even have a word for it as a society now. It’s called being “triggered” which is really just a fancy way of saying I am having a reaction due to something outside my control.
And let me pause for an important note—I am not saying triggers aren’t real or valid. They absolutely are. Triggers come from experience, trauma, memory, conditioning, and deeply personal emotional stories.
None of that is being minimized here.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a very strong aversion to my behavior being outside of my control.
I don’t drink because I don’t always know where moderation begins and ends, and I don’t like being out of control of my behavior.
I don’t like saying or doing things that may not be helpful to me or the people I’m around.
I just don’t like not being in control of my own thoughts, feelings and words.
Now, in actuality a trigger is simply a stimulus that elicits a reaction.
However, in the context of behavior and mental health trigger is used to mean something that brings on a strong reaction, worsens existing symptoms or causes someone to behave in an unexpected way.
These intense, unexplained reactions, often labeled as being “triggered,” can feel like they’re completely beyond our control.
But what if you could decode these moments and turn them into opportunities for growth?
Why Focusing on “Why” Keeps You Stuck
The thing that holds true in all these scenarios is that our reaction is based on a feeling that happens inside for us.
And usually, if not most of the time, when you go to someone to get help they will ask you this question:
“Why do you think you responded the way you did?”
And I, frankly, find that to be the most unhelpful question someone could ask about a triggered event.
Which, of course, rehearses and intensifies those feelings.
And while you’re in an unresourceful state you are not able to consider solutions. Because you feel like shit all over again!
This kind of “help” is not for me.
Regaining Control: The Power of “How”
Instead, I prefer to focus on how, not why.
- How did I create the feeling that led to that reaction?
- How did my mind and body experience that moment?
Now, I know what you’re thinking…
I’m making it all your fault. I’m blaming the person who was triggered rather than the one doing the triggering.
That’s not the case at all!
What I am doing is taking control back.
I am simply changing the locus of control from being something I can’t control (what someone else says/does, external events that happen, etc) to being something I can control (my own feelings and experiences).
And the first step to that is understanding what feeling we experienced before we reacted.
By focusing on how we produce feelings and actions, we allow ourselves to identify how to create different ones.
And this is the key to being truly powerful in yourself.
Let’s try something. Are you game?
Exploring Your Unexpected Reactions
Think of a time you’ve had a feeling that was maybe unexpected, and certainly unwelcome.
Got it?
Ok, great.
Now take a moment and think of that time in detail.
Allow yourself to notice what happens.
Step by step, what happened during this time? Slow things down in your mind and allow yourself to feel all of it.
Notice each moment of the experience. What happens in the moments right before you have that feeling? What do you notice as you begin to experience that feeling?
Do you notice anything you haven’t before? Do you hear any words in your mind? See any images or feel any feelings?
What are you telling yourself about what happened right before you had that feeling that is leading to that feeling? Perhaps even causing it?
Often times, when we allow ourselves to slow things down and really be in the moment, we notice things we hadn’t noticed before. Nuances that went under the radar and became background noise.
And when we allow ourselves to really listen and see and experience, we discover something we didn’t know about ourselves.
Tiny Shifts Create Powerful Change
Our minds are incredibly efficient. They can accomplish things so quickly we often times don’t even notice what’s happening.
We only notice the result.
So…something happens and in a split second, not even noticeable, we create a feeling based on a story or memory or image and we react to that, instead of to the initial trigger.
It’s truly powerful.
And if you were able to slow down your memory enough you may have even noticed multiple steps your mind went through in order to create the feeling you were exploring.
Now the fun part…
Now that you are aware of what happens leading up to this feeling, what would happen if you intentionally made one small shift? What if the moments leading up to that feeling were ever so slightly different?
What if you made the voice you heard a bit softer? Or the image a bit more muted? Or a feeling just a bit warmer?
How would that change the feeling you created?
It in in these moments, these moments of intentional awareness and shifts, that true change can occur.
And it is only through the how, rather than the wahy, that we can identify those moments and affect long term change.
Action Steps to Deepen Your Learning
1. Journal Your “How”
Take some time to journal about the feelings you want to change.
Write down the sequence of thoughts and actions that lead to those feelings. Note any patterns you observe and consider what small shifts you could make to alter those patterns.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Spend a few minutes each day practicing mindfulness.
Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Notice the triggers and the sequence of events that lead to certain emotions. This awareness is the first step in making conscious changes.
3. Create an Anchor
Use the NLP technique of anchoring to associate positive feelings with a specific physical action.
For example, think of a time when you felt confident and touch your thumb and forefinger together. Repeat this action whenever you need a boost of confidence.
4. Reframe Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself thinking negatively, try to reframe those thoughts into something more positive.
For instance, instead of thinking, "I always mess up," change it to, "I am learning and growing with each experience."
5. Set Small, Achievable Goals
Identify one small change you can make today to shift a negative feeling.
It could be something as simple as taking a deep breath when you feel anxious or writing down one thing you're grateful for each morning. Small steps lead to big changes over time.
The Core Impact Leadership Program helps you develop emotional strength, resilience, and intentional leadership using exactly these principles. If you’re ready to stop replaying old reactions and start creating empowered responses, this program can guide you—step by step.
Ready to shift from asking “Why did this happen?” to “How do I take control and grow from it?”
Hey, I'm Tracy
CEO Of Tracy Hoobyar
Tracy Hoobyar is a coach, strategist, and systems expert who helps high achievers create success without burnout. With a background in leadership, business growth, and personal development, she simplifies complex challenges into clear, actionable steps. Whether it’s building smarter systems, making better decisions, or creating real momentum in life and work, Tracy is here to help.
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