It was October. In the high desert of Reno, NV it was tolerable during the day, and pretty chilly at night. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Laying on the floor of our living room, huddled up with my family and all our pets, in front of the flickering fire in the fireplace.

We weren’t there because we were having a campout. We weren’t playing Summer.
Our power had been turned off. And we didn’t have the money to get it turned back on. For days.

Thankfully our neighbors were kind and, at least when we were around, non judgemental and allowed us to shower at their house so we could be clean.

It was then that I realized…this was a situation I had chosen to be in. It was created by my own actions, or lack thereof. Which meant it was wholly preventable.
And I didn’t prevent it.

Why? Old behaviors that had been left unattended to, allowed to run wild in my neglected subconscious, and drove me to make short term, impulsive decisions at the expense of my future. My family’s future.

That was the day I decided I’d stop being a victim to my self consciousness and get very intentional about my thoughts and behaviors.
Because you see, I knew better. Like, I really knew better.

I was trained in NLP. Not only was I trained in NLP, I grew up with a high awareness of our thoughts and motivations, having been raised by two people who were constantly learning how to be better versions of themselves.

I just let this one slip by me.

And I knew better.

Thankfully, because I knew better I also knew not to judge myself. That only leads to feelings of guilt and overwhelm and self-loathing, and none of those feelings have been known to spur people on to great action and impact.

What I did do was get clear about what was happening on the inside, that was manifesting what I was “getting” on the outside.

And it was that clarity that turned everything around and had me living in my dream house 4 months later.

You see, it was as simple as negative self-talk that was leading to self-sabotaging behaviors that led me to be in the situation I was in.

You see, some of the more common self-sabotaging behaviors are:

➠ Procrastination: Putting off tasks and making excuses

➠ Self-medication: Using drugs or alcohol to cope

➠ Comfort eating: Overeating or engaging in other unhealthy eating habits

➠ Self-injury: Cutting or other forms of self-injury

➠ Avoiding behaviors: Giving up when things get tough, chronic tardiness, or lack of assertiveness

➠ Ungrounded fears: Fearing commitment, change, failure, or losing control

➠ Overspending: Making financial decisions based on marketing incentives or paying for subscriptions you rarely use

➠Running on empty: Neglecting your personal needs to try and get more done

➠Self-defeating language: Putting yourself down or using negative self-talk

➠Refusing to ask for help: Not setting proper boundaries or people-pleasing

And I was definitely practicing several of them. Avoiding fears, procrastination, overspending, running on empty, refusing to ask for help…

So many unhealthy behaviors that were completely within my control to continue, or to stop.

It took me some time to unravel it, but once I figured out what was happening, and that I was doing it to myself, I had the power to make change. And I did.

Let me pause and say that one of the key reasons I was able to make the needed changes quickly is that I didn’t judge myself for these behaviors. Judgment is what leads people to shame and guilt, and those feelings are exactly what keep people stuck.

I didn’t judge myself.
I simply noticed what I had been doing, traced it back to my internal dialogue, and set about changing it. Turning self-sabotaging behaviors into empowering and valuable behaviors is an inside job. And it takes open eyes and an open heart to truly identify the root cause.

My dad used to say “You can’t talk your way out of a situation you behaved your way into.”
Well, it turns out, he was actually partly wrong in this case! (Imagine how giddy I was when I realized he was wrong!)

You may not be able to talk your way out of a situation you behaved your way into with someone else, but you certainly can within yourself.

If we have the ability to change and eliminate our self-sabotaging behaviors, you may ask why so many people struggle with them. There are a lot of reasons really.

Some of them are:

◉ Fear of Failure/Success: Many people fear that change might lead to failure—or even success, which can be just as daunting. You can address how these fears manifest in procrastination or perfectionism, two common self-sabotaging behaviors.

◉ Feeling Overwhelmed: Change can feel overwhelming, leading to avoidance or stagnation. Discuss how breaking down goals into smaller, manageable steps can mitigate this.

◉ Lack of Self-Belief: Just as you experienced, many people don’t believe they can achieve the change they desire. Highlight how shifting internal narratives through NLP can rebuild self-belief.

The first step in identifying your own self-sabotaging behaviors is asking yourself questions, and being patient with the answers. I often tell my clients and participants in my courses…the key to getting to the root cause of a challenge you are having is to ask yourself questions, and “listen” to the answer without judgment.
It’s the answers to these questions that often reveal the core issue that you can then address:

◉ “When was the last time you noticed yourself avoiding a task because it felt too big or scary?”

◉ “What internal dialogue do you notice when you think about making a significant change in your life?”

◉ “What do you see happening if you keep things the way they are now?”

◉ “If nothing changes, what is it going to look like three months from now?”

◉ “What’s the potential impact of continuing to do things the way you’re doing them now?”

◉ “How is your current strategy working for you?”

◉ “What could you be missing out on?”

◉ “What could be some of the repercussions as a result of not changing?”

◉ “How does the current situation affect you (your customers, peers, team)?”

◉ “If you continue with your current strategy, where do you hope it takes you?”

◉ “What type of benefit or payoff are you getting from doing things this way?”

If these strategies resonate with you, and you’re looking for more in-depth support, our Core Impact Leadership Program delves into these topics and provides tailored tools to help you conquer self-sabotage once and for all.

In the program, we explore advanced NLP techniques and leadership and management philosophies, accountability frameworks, and resilience-building exercises that empower you to make lasting changes.